Wednesday, January 07, 2009

That best medicine cliche

Yesterday after work I met my mum and her hubby for coffee and I don't know what they said, but something made me laugh (it must have been really funny) and, just with that belly laugh, I immediately felt the heaviness lift off me and I began to feel hopeful and positive. This reminds me of what I know about feelings and emotions. Feelings are not reliable and they are not necessarily reflecting the truth. They are a result of stimuli (either mental or enviro-mental) + all sorts of body chemicals and to think that they come from 'nowhere' is immature.

Of course, later, the crushing sense of hopelessness descended again, but at least I can realise that it really doesn't take much to lift that and well, it's only normal for my feelings to be all over the place at the moment, but it won't be forever. After all, the stable home that I've had for the last four years and been happy in is no longer available to me as my sanctuary. I'm really not sure where I'm going to be living soon or how I'm going to manage, but, with a bit of foresight I realised that actually I can deal with this. I am seriously considering biting the bullet and going into full-time study to get a useful degree. This little shake up has made me wake up to the fact that I need to invest in my own career and skills and I'm eyeing up a degree in I.T and communciations, which, for those of you that have known me that long, was my career path from 2000-2004. The degree has a July intake, which would give me enough time to sort myself out and make a plan (and update my IT knowledge - I'm a bit out of the loop). I'm thinking to buy a house, so that I have an asset, and either rent it out or take in some flatties so that I can afford the mortgage while I study (I don't even know if this would be possible, but I've got time to look into it). I am resisting the idea of having to live with someone, or, move in with a family member, but I have to live in reality. If I give it three years now, I can be in a much better position later. In the short term I'm looking for a job that pays better and to just get myself restabilised somewhere. So, much as I just want to lie down and take a long rest from all this, I have to keep going, keep taking action and realise that I have to go through this in order to get to the part where I go 'well, life is better now after all'.

Once I got thinking about myself and getting my life into order, I realised that I was no longer pining for my lost love. It may be premature to say it, but today I'm feeling completely over him. I mean, I'm still feeling fractured and tired, but it's not the same. I spoke to him on the phone last night and didn't even want to talk about the relationship. I'm ready to let it rest and move on. I did not think I would get to this stage so quickly. There is no point in pining over someone that does not think I'm amazing and awesome.

Kek, This is for YOU. Lily Allen is a British songwriter who is so cute you just want to take her home (wouldn't want her to talk to you mother though...). This is her new song which is adorable.


  1. Hi Sara,

    I found you via Kek's blog. Just wanted to send you some positive vibes.

  2. Oh Sara... hug hug hug huggity hug, you bloody legend you xxox

  3. See...people care. :o)

    Ta for the video. Haven't had a second to play it yet, but I will in the morning, promise.

    I think I saw Lily Allen on the cover of some trash mag in the supermarket once and wondered who she was. I'm so old.... LOL

  4. Aww, she IS cute.... Loved it!

  5. Big hugs Sara.
    Life will be better - because you will make it that way. And you're right, why pine over someone who doesn't think you're amazing and awesome, when there's going to be someone out there in the future who will, and will deserve you.


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