Monday, January 12, 2009

My new mantra is 'let go'. Just relax and let go of trying too hard to make anything happen or not happen. Getting this relationship into shape is trickier than I imagined it might be and not very straightforward, where the hell is the guidebook when you need one?

Yesterday we spent the afternoon with our niece and then went to a movie and out for a drink later. It was fun and I enjoyed myself, but it's hard to shake the feeling that I'm 'on probation' and I"m not sure what to think of that. I know that I was a stress cadet, not much fun, generally not too happy in myself and I have realised this and am making changes. But at the same time I don't want to live my life in fear that the love of my life will stop loving me if I have a bad day at work, or suffer an event that makes me feel sad, or get sick. Yes, I want to be happier, and I AM happier already, but I'm not actually sure that I can live up to the new standard. I'm not sure that I wouldn't be looking over my own shoulder all the time, wondering if I've accidentally had a weak moment. I guess this is something to sort out in my head. I don't think I want to be perfect and one-dimensional (always happy! happy! happy!), I don't think I can be. I can only be myself and what I want is a guy that is completely crazy about me and thinks I'm cool and awesome and cares about me. I'm optimistic but at the moment, I'm also missing that person that is unreservedly bonkers about me. Maybe that will come with time, I hope so. For now I can just keep on becoming what I want to be, and if that is not enough, well.....

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