Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Backstage Slapper Report

Being backstage at a bodybuilding competition is quite a lot like landing on another planet that is populated by hungry, mostly naked, muscular beings that vary in colour from orange to deep, dark brown. The female ones can be identified by their false eyelashes and bling. Genetic distribution of boobs seems to be completely unfair, with some females having none at all while others have the most astounding, gravity defying orbs you've even seen. Huh....
They eat jelly-snakes, rice cakes, honey and some eat chocolate.

Every resident of planet backstage is attended by a human-like slave called a Slapper*. Slappers are clearly on their way to sainthood and can be identified by their orange palms, serene expression, bag of jelly-snakes and halo. Slappers have mad-skills with application of 'Dream Tan' and can also apply a false eyelash without sticking anyones eyelid together. They can carry on a coherent conversation while simultaneously slapping tan on someones bum with one hand and adjusting the uplift of a sparkly bikini with the other hand. They use small words when talking to their hungry, skinny, brown person and seem unreasonably paranoid about tan streaks. They can also mill nonchalantly in a testosterone soaked room full of ripped guys in little underwear and not say 'Phwoooar'. Not even once.

Slappers get over-excited to meet other slappers and like to congregate in small groups for the purpose of mutual assurrance that they are not a) fat and b) pasty, even though they are undoubtedly a) much fatter and b) much whiter than the skinny, brown, sparkly people.

So.. that was my weekend. And yours?


*In reference to the Dream Tan technique, which involves smearing a generous amount of brown goo onto someones skin and then slapping it to create an even appearance. There is a further step that involves hairspraying the entire body in order to try and get the stuff to dry quickly.

Kerryn has some pics of her fabulous self up on her site and I will have some of my own to post tomorrow. Kudos to The Programmer whom not only took about 1500 photographs of the brown people prancing around on stage but also managed to spend four days listening to women talk about food, their bodies, other peoples bodies, water retention and carb bloat without a single complaint. Then again, he is the type of guy that will wait for a gap in the conversation, and I don't think there was one... nope, stream of consciousness, those Aussies....


  1. You are HILARIOUS. And the best backstage slapper anyone could want. A billion, million thank-yous will never be enough. I think I may have to send payment in monthly instalments of Koko Black gift boxes for the rest of my life.

    And you're so not fat. Pasty? Uh...that, I refuse to comment on.

  2. Slappers are the way forward..... if only my wife took up competition!

  3. Teehee! Too funny. You got to see all the backstage action! That's awesome!

    Uh, slap me.

  4. haha too funny - had a good giggle to myself

  5. Anonymous1:10 pm

    brilliantly written!

    i've been a slapper for years, and yet my palms remain pale and unblemished.

    ooooooooh, i geddit. different type of slapper.




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