Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Hungry

Yesterday, I overate. Actually, it was a food binge.. of sorts. I ate a heap of miscellaneous carby things, including three bowls of cereal in quick succession. In one of them I actually crumbled up a chocolate brownie (inventive!). Mid third bowl I realised what I was doing and grabbed my journal to figure out why I suddenly had the urge to stuff my face. And the weirdest thing? I'd just returned home from dinner at my sisters house, where I had shunned the pizza and happily ate my healthy and delicious meal that I had previously stored in her freezer. All that virtue.. and then.. an attack of the killer carbs. But, if there is to be a positive side to this slip up (and, why not?), it's that I have finally got to the point where I can ask myself 'why did I do that?' and the responding side of myself usually has a sensible answer that does not end with 'and, because you suck'

The thing is, I'm in a bit of an unstable time, personally and it is becoming clear that I still have many skills to learn as regards dealing with my emotions. I'm seriously considering leaving my job at the factory (nb: for those that may not know the background, this is not related to Sana Direct). The process very much like considering leaving a bad relationship. I know it's bad, but is it fixable? I've invested 5 years of heart and soul into it, it was my dream job, members of my family have a lot money invested there, can I really just walk away and leave it unprotected to inevitably sink down the gurgler along with the staff and loyal (but currently very dissatisfied and pissed off) customers? It's become a question, not of 'what is better?' but, 'what would be worse - to stay or to leave?' It's exactly like the process of considering a romantic break-up. Emotional. Heaps of indecision, conclusion, questioning that conclusion and then procrastinating a little bit longer in the hope that things will improve. I considered going into some detail here and dishing out the dirt for public scrutiny (ah, it would feel so good to do that), and if this was an anonymous blog, I surely would because it's an interesting story, full of drama, but you'll just have to be satisfied with the condensed version. Currently, daily life at the factory is like studying for a qualification that has a minor in solid business practice and a major in bitching and moaning with a few papers like 'lack of communication 101' and 'looking the other way 202.141'. As someone who likes to face the issues, air the issues and take action, I'm consistently frustrated and this frustration is what drove my eating last night. At least I can identify that and, with a bit of awareness, develop more appropriate strategies for dealing with that icky feeling and the equally icky situation for which there is currently no clear resolution (run away screaming? tempting. Paint 'help me' on the roof and sit awaiting rescue? Also tempting, but probably overkill)

I woke up this morning 800g heavier than yesterday, which I consider to be getting off lightly and elected to take a day off just to sort out my thoughts. It was going to be half a day, but then I discovered that I've left my car keys at my sisters house (Jase drove home using his keys to my car) and so I'm not going anywhere. I'm reading a book at the moment called The Hungry Years which has been really helpful as I deal with my tendency to eat when I face a situation that I find emotionally intense - usually this would be when I face insecurity or change (both of which I face if I leave my day job). I've heard it before, said it before, and even claimed to understand it, but now I'm really getting it on a new level how binge eating is like using a drug to anaesthetise yourself (myself) in an emotionally painful situation. A huge amount of food, especially carbs, does do something to the brain that makes an emotional situation recede. Also, during the binge I was thinking not about my feelings, but about food I was eating, or planning to eat next. After the binge, I was not thinking about my feelings immediately, but I was thinking about the food I just ate and what this would do to the size of my thighs. It worked as a distraction and a release from the unrelenting tortured thoughts, but it's a negative in other obvious ways and doesn't actually help me sort myself out!

In the next few days I will write a review on The Hungry Years, but in the meantime, if you are looking for a good read, check out the articles from the Hungry Years site, here.

2 comments:

  1. Here's a hug for you:

    (((())))

    OK, so it's a pretendy hug, but that's the best I can do.

    Re: brain-numbing binges. An entire packet of Tim Tams works wonders in that way. Very soothing and distracting while you're eating them, and then afterwards you're so busy feeling sick you forget about whatever it was you were all churned up about anyway.

    Not that I've ever done that.

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  2. I wouldn't beat yourself up so much for the carb binge. If you don't make it into a big deal, then it isn't one. If you make carbs the forbidden fruit, then psychologically this can backfire. Binge or no binge, just forget it and move on.

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